Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Hope and Grace (Not the TV Show) edited:ooops there is no "Hope and Grace" tv show. Duh.

Last week was rough. Really rough. I wrote more apology emails and made more apology phone calls than I care to think about. I'm pretty sure I have a couple more lined up, but I haven't yet mustered the courage to make them. I forgot appointments, hurt people's feelings, and, as a friend told me when I was lamenting my stupidity, "You took your foot out of your mouth just so you could insert your other foot." A more accurate description has never been uttered.

I spent much of the weekend in a fog of guilt and regret, stupidity and humiliation, replaying my actions this way and that way in my head, knowing if I had done things differently I'd be in a lot less trouble and would have hurt a lot fewer people.

Life doesn’t work that way does it? You can't hit rewind and undo stupid. You make a crappy choice and you have to live with the consequences. I've apologized to all parties (I think) and have been forgiven (I think) and so we all can move on (I think).

Except moving on is not what God has for me. This last year God has been revealing more ick in my life than I really think is fair. Cut a girl some slack! I'm not going to list all my transgressions, but it's fair to say that I should probably hole myself up in a room and not speak to anyone ever again. Which, of course, is ridiculous.

The theme of last week was lack of respect and whenever you are being disrespectful to others, the underlying issue is really selfishness. I have been incredibly selfish. Unfortunately, it's a recurring plotline in my life. And I hate it.

So what do I do now? Is me trying to be aware of my actions and more responsible going to be enough? Probably not. It's easy to become discouraged because, trust me, left to my own devices, I suck at relationships. It's times like these I am SO THANKFUL for the cross. Without Jesus' sacrifice I would be left muddling through life trying to make things work my way, continually screwing up. Thankfully Jesus died to wipe away my sins. While that does not take away my responsibility and need to try to be more Christ-like in my actions, it does offer me the hope and grace I need to keep going.

I am trying to be better. I am trying to think before I speak (or type). I am trying to be more aware of other people around me. I am trying to think of ME less and YOU more. Bear with me, pray for me and please be patient with me!


  1. pssst. I love you and i'm messy too.

  2. Sounds like growth and sanctification to me. None of us will be done with that until eternity. It's not fun, but it's good!


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