I've never seen myself as much of a control freak. I am about as type Z as one could get (control freaks being type A, of course). I can be pretty easy going about a lot of things. Housework. Laundry. Taxes (don't worry, Aaron does them). I will generally go with the flow and embrace change like a champ.
There are, however, a few places where I am relentless.
Travel for one. I want every second of a trip planned and only plans made by me. No one else's suggestions apply unless I happen to think they are good ideas, but let's be honest, I won't think they are. We once went on a trip to Hawaii with two other couples while I was 5 months pregnant. A hormonal control freak. Awesome.
I shudder to think how awful I was. There were so many tears that trip. So. Much. Bawling. We are still friends with all of them, which says so much about their ability to give grace. I have really tried to change my behavior after that. We do still get invited to visit people, so...
Second, my kids. I want to create an idyllic childhood for them. One which cannot exist no matter how hard I try, because, hello, this is the real world, not my head. I want to do what it takes to keep them from ever feeling bad about themselves or unloved. I want to make sure they are never unkind or rude to others. I want to
Watching my kids struggle and knowing that I cannot (or should not) rush in to fix all their problems is killing me.
It is heart breaking to see my happy-go-lucky kid have the joy sucked out of him because of things I cannot control or don't fully understand. I can't control how he behaves any more than he can control how others behave. Trust me I have tried.
This weird situation with my son and how he is dealing with friendships at school is sucking the life out of me (and him). I honestly don't even know how to describe it because I am just not sure what is happening. All I know is that I want to fix it now.
I can fix it, I can help Tyler fix it. We will make this situation right.
Except we aren't making it right. Things aren't getting better. In fact, I would venture to say my son is feeling worse. I know I definitely am.
I can't fix it.
The control freak in me has known this for awhile. I been having a severe temper tantrum over knowing it. I want to be the one to make it all better, and only He can.
When this whole situation started I dove right in to help Tyler. We talked about it, we made plans on how make it better. I even made sure he prayed regularly and understood that he needed to give the situation to God.
He has been a champ, praying with us before bed, before school and when he gets home. He even said he tries to remember to pray at school when he is upset. He is getting peace from knowing he can and should talk to God first.
While I have been equipping my son to lean on God when he feels out of control, I have been doing the exact opposite.
God has been nudging my heart towards prayer for months. I feel it. It's a keen desire to pray for my friends and family in ways that I haven't before, but I just haven't done anything about it. cough*lazy*cough
Instead, my conversations with God have been like this:
Me: Dear God, please help my kids have a great day at school help Tyler pay attention, be respectful, be kind, walk away when people are mean, seek out people who will treat him well, not worry what others think. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. K-thanks-bye.
God: Wait. What?
Honestly, many of my conversations with God involve me desperately begging for an outcome and then running on to the next thing before I can even hear the answer. Never quiet and earnest. On the rush and impatient, always.
I sit here holding the key to the peace only real prayer gives us, and I am still not sure how to open that door.